Where to Drink: For the Uncool Kids

A comprehensive guide to cheap intoxication in Western Massachusetts for misfits only

Going to college, and specifically a college with a reputation like “Zoomass” is the craziest, most wild, best four years of your life. Well - maybe if you’re a beer-guzzling, straight, white, S.T.E.M. douche getting your rent paid for by your dad whose company you have the next 20 years of guaranteed income followed by inheritance while maintaining a Tommy-boy work ethic.

Personally, I can’t relate - and in a town where the economy entirely is fueled by college students, I know I’m not alone. So, if the thought of Spoke makes you want to puke, if your parent’s bank account isn’t “linked” to yours, and if you’re looking for a more diverse, cultured, and woke group of people to get sloshed with - refer the following list.

High Horse: 24 N Pleasant Street, Amherst MA

Fun Fact: This was my first legal drink... I might have forgotten to take a picture of it prior to consumption.

Located in the direct center of Amherst, High Horse is a two-story rustic, pub-style bar. The downstairs of high horse exhibits a calm multi-room sit-down and bar-style experience, while the upstairs transparently exudes dive-bar energy. Both environments, however, are acceptable on weekends and weeknights with a warm low-lit iron crested aura. While specialty cocktails can be upwards of $14, you can still get standard sized, classic mixed drinks for roughly six bucks.

Despite being located on the road within close proximity to most of the basic bars, I argue that is the most externally and intrinsically diverse watering-hole in Amherst. The downstairs bartenders cater to a generally older and or, more mature, downstairs, audience, and are typically a few middle-aged guys with quirky and interactive personalities whereas upstairs the kids behind bar tend to have more of a friday-night energy.

Either way, if you’re looking for a different experience every time, to not hear 2019’s top hits on shuffle padded by All-Star and Mr.Brightside, and affordable booze - I highly recommend high horse.

The Amherst Pub: 15 E Pleasant Street, Amherst MA

Tucked away behind a people’s bank ATM, and somewhat humbled by the rest of the nightlife scene, nearly everything about “The Pub” matches it’s not-complicated, expository name. Whether you’re going for classic American chow and a couple drinks or a night on the town, The Pub knows what it’s doing.

With somewhat intentionally uncomfortable wooden booths, a relatively univiniting sit-down bar, and decor revealing absolutely no modifications in the past 20 years - you’re able to sit down at The Pub on a weeknight, and have a conversation, or party on a Saturday. For a dine-in experience The Pub offers an entire page of speciality, housemade cocktails that average around seven dollars and pair especially well with the comfort food the joint has to offer.

On Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, however, The Pub turns into a makeshift nearly European-style bar complete with a dance floor, DJ and Disco Ball. Despite getting unbreathable packed by around midnight most weekends, the Pub offers specials every “club night” such as four dollar gin-and-tonics, vodka-sodas, jager shots, and fireball shots. To this day, the Pub is one of my weekly spots and I have never left sober nor-spent more than $15.

Bishop’s Lounge: 41 Strong Ave, 3rd Floor, Northampton MA

If you’re going to go out in Northampton, it’s typical to expect a bit of an older crowd, however, that is no indication of how rowdy a spot might get. In three words, Bishops is funky, eccentric, and bubbly no matter what day of the week you decide to go. While weekend nights do have a cover charge, it is attributed to the local live bands that are playing up in the front.

Typically, you’re spending about ten bucks on a drink, however, bartenders fill up large, transparent cups that reflect the groove of the environment with all your bubble’s bouncing in harmony with the subwoofer blasting whoever is on bass.

Not only is Bishop's wavy, it’s also ethical. Adjacent to the bar, there is a well-lit modern room with open couches that are free for those unable to drive and homeless in the community to sleep on. Due to its third floor location, there is a balcony attached to the barroom where drinks are permitted outside. As an ex-smoker, I always missed the excuse to step outside at bars and parties but at Bishop’s, the individuals and environment is so incredibly welcoming that smokers and non-smokers unite for sloppy conversation on the deck. Like high horse, you’ll never know what to expect at Bishops.

The Basement: 21 Center St, Northampton MA

Stepping into the Basement in Noho is the relative nonfiction, totally serious, real-life equivalent of the 7 ½ floor in the film “Being John Malkovich.” The environment is dark and almost magical. While you don’t necessarily find yourself ducking for comfort, you will find nooks and crannies of the Basement that are not meant for anyone over 5’2”.

In the Basement Drinks run for relatively stand prices with 8 oz $8 cocktails and weekly changing specials that on occasion match the theme of the night that's been pre-determined and announced with fliers decorating the already vibrant town.

Some common themes include different decades of the 20th century however, I’ve noticed that “80s Dance Party” seems to be the most predominant recurring event which I can’t imagine anyone ever complaining about.

The Basement is a frequent place of vast diversity in race and sexuality and promotes acceptance from the moment you step in the door. So - if that sounds like something you’re not mature enough to handle - or excuse me should I say, “not your scene” - mind your own business, and take it somewhere else.